


One Hell of a Trip!

by DixieDale



Category: Hogan's Heroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24886078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DixieDale/pseuds/DixieDale
Summary: A visit from a friendly Gestapo officer and his companion, a few drinks, a kind and understanding voice, and the usually wary Hogan is singing like an adolescent bird!  What the heck??!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	One Hell of a Trip!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the HH Short Story Speedwriting Challenge.

It was a soothing voice, one that lured Hogan into its warmth, its understanding cocoon. It seemed he'd waited all his life for that voice, one that promised understanding and comfort. 

He heard the words, the tone of that gentle inquiry, and he smiled, eager to respond. Eager to tell the owner of that voice anything he asked. After all, someone that kind, that understanding, who was he to disappoint the man?

"Travel? For the job, you mean? Sure, lots of it, all over the place, all the time. What do you want to hear about first?" 

Major Gorman smiled with sinister satisfaction. It was so lucky, Major Hochstetter being called to Berlin at the same time Gorman's cousin arrived for a visit. Cousin Claud was very much a specialist in the field of - well, Gorman wasn't sure exactly what that field WAS, but when Claud had been explaining some of his experiments, some of his activities with his patients, a mental lightning flash had almost caused the Gestapo officer to jump from his seat in excitement. 

If HE could break that American officer Hochstetter was so set on proving was Papa Bear, if HE could prove Stalag 13 was the center of the sabotage activity in the area, his star would be ascending faster than a rocket! Of course, that wouldn't make Hochstetter too happy, he knew, but Gorman figured if he became important enough, even Hochstetter's displeasure wouldn't harm him. Perhaps it would be HOCHSTETTER who would have to worry about displeasing HIM! Now there was a satisfying thought considering the sharp set-down the only-slightly-senior Hochstetter had delivered to him less than a week ago. {"Six months difference in getting our rank! Only six months! Yet, to hear him lord it over me, you'd think it was six years or more! Arrogant swine!"}

He watched from the side chair as Claud tweaked and prodded at Colonel Hogan's psyche, or whatever Claud had called it, the id or ego or some such technical term.

"Start anywhere you like, Robert. Perhaps at the beginning. What was the first job your superiors asked you to undertake in your travels?"

That wasn't really where Gorman would have preferred to start, was more interested in recent events, but Claud had warned him it would be more beneficial to start small. "It works best when you have gained their confidence in that manner, then go to the bigger, more important issues." Well, Claud was the expert, after all.

"Well, let's see," Hogan hummed cheerfully to himself, before snapping his fingers. 

"Ceuta, in North Africa. Morocco. Well, it's maybe considered part of Spain. I'm a little fuzzy on that; seems to depend on who you talk to, you know. See, my boss, he'd just taken on the job, but he came down with a bad case of the flu, so he passed it off to me. He had to collect a suitcase full of books from a café in Ceuta. (1) Seems an odd place to be picking up books, don't you think? I sure thought so. Still, orders are orders, so there I was, sitting at this little place, soaking up the sunshine, drinking the local wine, and might I say it was really pretty darned good! And the girls??! Boy, even with all those heavy clothes they were wearing, you could tell they were real lookers, eyes all dark and mysterious, you know? There was this one . . ."

"Yes, yes, Robert, I'm sure they were very attractive. But please, tell me more about the books, about who gave them to you, what happened after you received them. I am most interested, you see," Claud encouraged the vaguely-smiling Hogan.

That got a frown, the officer more inclined to continue on about girls and the wine, but then he shrugged and continued.

"This guy, boy did he stink! Don't know if it was goat or mule or what, but he just reeked! And it wasn't a suitcase, just a dirty canvas bag with handles; but there were books, alright."

"Yes, the man's name? And what were the books?" Claud urged.

"Name? I didn't ask his name, no reason to. He held out the bag, I took it, he was gone, just like that. And I didn't look at the books; well, I've never been all that much of a reader and I figured they'd smell just as bad as he did, probably worse. Nothing like the funk of a musty book, you know. Why, my uncle had this set of books, classics he called them, always encouraging me to "read, my boy, read!" but even just open the covers and they could make your eyes water . . ."

Claud looked over at Gorman and shrugged. Gorman motioned for Claud to move it along and the man did, though not overly sure it would be any more productive than the first attempt had been. There was just something in those eyes, not cunning like he'd been expecting, more self-absorption at a level he rarely saw in a grown man. 

"Well, what about a later trip? Can you tell me about another trip, perhaps one a bit more exciting? I really would love to hear about that. Have you traveled much in Germany, for example? That would be most interesting to hear about," Claud urged, getting an eager nod from Gorman. 

{"Yes, that is much more what I want to know! Where, what he was doing while he was supposedly locked away in this 'escape proof camp' of Klink's!"}

The American officer yawned widely, rudely not bothering to cover his mouth or excuse himself, just held out his glass for a refill, while with the other hand apparently scratching an urgent itch in the region below his belt. Hurriedly Gorman reached over to add another two fingers of schnapps.

Hogan stretched, "well, there was the Munich trip. Now, that was exciting. Real exciting, if you know what I mean," chuckling, the smile on his face turning into more of a leer. Claud jumped, startled, as Hogan dug his elbow into Claud's ribs a couple of times in a cheery man-to-man expression of brotherhood and male understanding.

"I mean, I was in Paris for a few days, and was that something! Food was a little fussy for my taste but the dames? Hot stuff, Claud ole buddy, real hot stuff! Didn't want to leave, but then I got the call that I had to get myself to Munich, real fast, real important stuff, life or death to hear HIM talk about it! Well, he always said stuff like that, thought it'd make you feel important to be involved. Some people, they just got their string wrapped too tight, you know?? Anyhow, a job's a job, and I need the dough, cause I'd already burned through the money from the Paris job. You know, wine, women and song. So I headed out. Anyhow, I figured maybe the food would be a little more hearty - figured the girls might be a little something different too. I mean, those French girls were hot, alright, but a guy needs variety, you know??"

"So, you left Paris and headed for Munich. What was your prime objective, Robert?" Claude asked patiently.

"My prime objective? Getting the panties off that brunette serving drinks on the plane, that was my prime objective! But every damned time I start making progress, some idiot calls for 'service!' and she scootles away! Hell, I was wanting some service too, you know??! Finally they make the announcement that we'll be landing in ten minutes, and I get up and grab her by the arm and pull her back into the little area where they keep the bottles and stuff. "You need to go back to your seat," she says. "We're almost there," she tells me. Well, I clear that up real fast, you know??! "Look, sweetie," I tell her, "we've flown from Paris to Munich, and we're still not there. (2) And it's not like I haven't been TRYING to get us there, ya know? We keep being interrupted. But I intend for us to get there right now!" And I yank that little curtain closed, throw the No Admittance sign on the hook outside, and went to work. Got us both there just as the wheels touched the ground! Wow, talking about the earth moving!!" he said with a satisfied laugh.

Claud pinched his eyes closed, rubbed them with the fingers of his right hand. He was starting to develop a headache, along with a touch more sympathy for Major Hochstetter and his unsuccessful encounters with this American than he would have imagined before the evening started. Though why his cousin had told him that Hochstetter had represented this man as being extremely sophisticated in his cunning and manipulation of others, he could NOT understand. Talk about a case of arrested development!

Gorman wondered if having Claud try again, maybe for details about the Munich job would be more successful, but then the door opened and a seething Major Hochstetter slithered into the room.

"Major Gorman. How - interesting - to find you here. And this would be who?" 

A smiling Hochstetter was something Gorman hadn't seen too often, and he quickly realized it wasn't a sight to gladden the heart. 

"My cousin, Claud. We were just . . . "

"Yes, I was listening for some time from the outer room. I can quite imagine what you were 'just'. Perhaps, since your cousin has developed such a rapport with our Colonel Hogan, I might suggest some questions to ask him. Ones perhaps more pertinent to the war effort than those which seem only to dredge up memories of drinking and whoring."

Sickly smiles greeted that, along with a rapid assurance from Claud that he would be happy to present any questions the Major suggested.

But, alas, it seems the rapport had been shattered, as evidenced by the protruding lower lip and the childish sniff and the firm and quite defiant pronouncement from the officer. "I don't like you, you old fart! Any of you. You're mean! And you know something else??! I don't like this game! (3) And I'm not going to play any more. So THERE!!!"

The resulting shouting eventually awakened even the soundly-sleeping Kommandant Klink, who bustled into his office indignantly, dignified and in command - well, as much as he could be while clad only in a nightshirt, sleeping cap complete with tassel, and slippers. 

"What is the meaning of this? What are you all doing here? Hogan, you should be in your quarters!! SCHULTZ!!!!!!!!!!"

The men listening around the coffee pot hurried to get things back in order and get back in their bunks before the elderly German sergeant hustled a pouting Colonel Hogan back in.

"Now, go to bed and stay there, Colonel Hogan. It is going to get very loud across the way, I believe, and you are well out of it," Schultz cautioned. HE wasn't all that eager to head back himself, but he sighed and proceeded to do his duty.

"You were brilliant, Colonel," Kinch offered with a deep chuckle. "You really had those guys going! That little 'tonic' Carter brewed up to help your resistance to that doctor and his suggestions really worked! Good thing we heard Gorman giving Claud his marching orders!"

"Ole 'ochstetter is gonna be royally pissed, though," Newkirk cautioned. "Once 'e finishes with those two idiots, 'e's likely to come looking for you, wanting to continue the conversation."

"Aww, Newkirk! The Colonel will bamboozle Hochstetter just like he did those guys, right, Colonel?" Carter said with confidence. Then he frowned, "uh, don't think you should depend on the tonic with Hochstetter, though, Colonel. It's really kinda mild stuff, just sends you back a few years, you know. My grandfather used it when someone needed to get in touch with part of themselves they kinda forgot about. When did you DO all that stuff, anyway?"

That got a puzzled frown, like Hogan wasn't really sure what Carter was talking about.

Carter tried again, "so, how old are you in those stories?"

The frown disappeared to be replaced by a jaunty grin. 

"Oh, most of that was right before I started with the military last year. I was seventeen, maybe eighteen. Boy, oh boy! You know, my uncle thought I should start getting more serious about stuff, maybe lay off the girls and the booze so much, so he sent me on all these 'life expanding trips', though sometimes I think he mostly just didn't want to go himself anymore. Well, he was thirty five or so, really getting up there, you know? He was a rare book seller, did I ever tell you that?"

That got a quick shared glance of concern.

"Uh, 'last year', Colonel?" Kinch asked with more than a little trepidation. Somehow Carter's hurried explanation of the effects of that 'tonic' seemed to have skipped a few salient points.

"Yeah. Must really have worked though, all that 'life experience'. Look at me, not even a year in service and a colonel already! Yeah! This Hochstetter guy? Bring him on! I'll run rings around him!"

"You really think you can play such games of that swine, mon colonel? I do not think he will be so eager to accept such foolish stories about books and mules and having sex on airplanes. He is not as much of a fool as he sometimes appears," LeBeau cautioned. Surely Hogan was not serious about what he had just told them, had to be making a joke of some sort!

Hogan smiled with smooth confidence. 

"Well, you have to admit it would be a challenge. I know, I know - usually I stick with the more complicated stuff with the old guys, like him and my uncle and my dad, but something simple could work maybe. How would I know, if I've never tried yet? (4)

"Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time I had to go to Pittsburgh to pick up this Gutenberg bible for my uncle?"

And he was off again.

Newkirk groaned. "Just 'ow long does this bloody tonic of yours work, Carter?"

Carter gave a weak smile, glancing at his watch. "Uh, only another - uh, hour or so?? Maybe??"

This time the groan was universal. Well, except for Hogan, who was merrily recounting the wild adventures a teenaged Robert Hogan had on that trip to Pittsburgh. "And I gotta tell ya, I never saw tits on a broad like that before in my life! Dammmmnnnn! Like torpedos ya know, or maybe rocket shells?? And she had this friend . . ."

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts Used:  
> 1\. He had to collect a suitcase full of books from a cafe in Ceuta.  
> 2\. We've flown from Paris to Munich, and we're still not there.  
> 3\. I don't like this game.  
> 4\. How would I know, if I've never tried yet?


End file.
